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Deep Breath

Photo by Cronbach

I really hate to be that blog that’s back and then gone and then back again. This past week and change has been a domino effect of epic proportions and I’ve been more busy than I’ve been in a long time. Between my neighborhood association’s busy season starting, trying to get this non-profit started, fighting with the local tar company’s insistence that it’s acceptable to flood my home with SO2 and H2S so that my son can’t breathe, and trying to control my raging levels of ADD without meds, I haven’t had a moment to breathe, nevertheless get back into our groove of “school”, garden and homesteading.

I wish I had something to say here about how to center yourself in a situation like this. How to take a deep breath, reassess the important and release the not. Unfortunately, what can you say when everything you’re doing is important to you? It’s crucial to get our neighborhood association on track. In the past year, we lost 2 of the most important people in, not only our neighborhood’s history, but our association’s history. They were forces to be reckoned with and they led this neighborhood into amazing things. Without them, the association wouldn’t exist. In fact, most of the things in this neighborhood wouldn’t exist. Losing them has left quite a void that we’re all trying to fill, and therefore left us scrambling a bit.

The non-profit is directly related to the tar company problem. My neighbors and their children can’t breathe. We can’t walk through our neighborhood for fear of “damage to the blood brain barrier.” The state won’t help us, the company absolutely won’t help us, and the small group of people with limited funding can only do so much. We need to get this organization together so we can start working on doing all the things the state won’t do – testing our air, putting pressure on the company to lessen their emissions, and letting the neighborhood know exactly what it is they’re breathing. This type of thing is going on all over the city, the state. It’s too important to step back from.

My ADD? Well, I wish I could step back from that. Being busy is a God send and an absolute failure at all times. Being busy means I can switch focus on 40 different things in a 10 minute period. My brain loves that. However, it also means I start to lose my filters. I say things I can’t take back, that make little sense or can cause major problems. They’re never hateful, just stupid and not well thought through. It’s never a good thing to have a ton of pressure on your shoulders to get things right, self imposed or not, and then have to worry that you’re going to ruin it all by uttering a completely ridiculous, ignorant or inappropriate phrase at just the wrong time.

This week, I have said so many ridiculously stupid things that I suggested to a friend that I need to have, “Ignore most of what I say, I have ADD” tattooed on my forehead. I’ll tell you, it hasn’t done a whole lot for my self esteem, and has left me feeling like everyone in the world hates me with a fiery passion. It’s weeks like this that make me want to crawl into bed and never come out again. Or just go back to just doing the mom and wife thing, where my family doesn’t mind if I say something completely ridiculous, and it won’t ruin a major part of their lives if when I do.

We won’t even discuss the tornado my house was. The only reason it’s clean right now is that I had a candidate for the Colorado House coming to talk to me about the tar plant. Otherwise, we would currently be trying to find each other by playing Marco Polo in the sea of toys and dishes scattered throughout the house.

So, what does one do in these situations? I try to take a deep breath. I sit down. I talk to my husband (who is always too kind to me about these things), and I try to remember that sometimes things take down turns. That I’m not always going to say or do the exact right thing. That, despite my ADD, I’m doing some pretty good things in the overall. That my family is happy and healthy and that, really, I’ll eventually learn how to juggle it all.

Often, though, I just don’t believe myself. I don’t know how I’m going to start any form of non-profit, fight with corporations, help unify my neighborhood, and take care of my family the way I need to. I honestly don’t know if I have the fortitude to do it all and do it all well.

But, I don’t want to let any of these things go. I just can’t.